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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23888839">You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/achickpeasalad/pseuds/achickpeasalad'>achickpeasalad</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bleach</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comedy, Dramaqueens, Eiffel Tower, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Married Life, Parent-Child Relationship, Teenage Drama, butt stuff, cake by the ocean, guess you could call this love, kidnappee, kidnapper - Freeform, michael jackson had to die so we could get bruno mars, renji being a pain in the ass, renji being an embarrassment, shinji being a dramaqueen, the good-looking chris, two guys trying to raise a child</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:53:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23888839</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/achickpeasalad/pseuds/achickpeasalad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>'Love the robe.' </p><p>'I will end you.' </p><p>Just a bunch of snippets in the life of Shinji and Renji as a not-so-average Bleach couple</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Abarai Renji/Hirako Shinji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Adventures of a Kidnapper and his Kidnappee</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Just some random bits of fluff floating about in my head. I like my dark humor and my fluff humor. Renji and Shinji seem to have wormed their way into my heart to fulfill the latter half of my writing whims. If one of the short stories seem to really interest you, please let me know and I'll turn it into a full blown story.</p><p>...I hope the world is ready for that</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>'You.' Shinji pointed accusingly. 'You left me. You have no idea what I've been through, what I've had to suffer. Being alone has toughened me to be cold and merciless. So if you think, for one second, that I will forgive you for abandoning me I'm sorry to burst your bubble, buddy. Shinji Hirako does not forgive and forget that easily.'</p><p>Renji raised an eyebrow. 'I just went to grab a cup of coffee…'</p><hr/><p>'High five.'</p><p>'Seriously? We just had the most mind-blowing sex ever and you want to high five about it?'</p><p>Renji blinked slowly. 'Yes…?'</p><p>'Marry me.'</p><hr/><p>'Y'know, what if Bruno Mars is a reincarnation of Michael Jackson? That MJ had to die in order for us to get Bruno Mars and appreciate his music?'</p><p>'Hm,' Shinji mused. 'that's an interesting way of looking at-'</p><p>'And then one day he's going to be all, "Syke! I'm actually Michael Jackson in disguise! I faked my own death so you all could throw me a fancy as fuck funeral for no reason so jokes on you for wasting your money!" before hip-thrusting and moonwalking away.'</p><p>Shinji sighed. 'You were so close…so close to proving you were actually sane…'</p><hr/><p>'Put your pinkie ring up to the…MOOD!' Renji belted, sliding across the master hotel suite in nothing but a pink bathrobe. 'Girl, whatcha tryna do? 24 karate magic in the aiiiir! Head to toe so clear!' He twirled around. 'Look out-!'</p><p>He stopped dead. Shinji grinned, leaning against the doorframe.</p><p>No, no, go on,' Shinji said, ushering with one hand. 'Glad you're enjoying the suite I booked.'</p><p>Renji glowered. 'Zip it, toothy.'</p><p>'Wrong lyrics by the way.'</p><p>'Shut up.'</p><p>'Love the robe.'</p><p>'I will end you.'</p><hr/><p>'Here. Lunch.' Renji tossed Shinji a paper bag.</p><p>Shinji opened the bag and gasped. 'Did you…?' He said tearfully. 'Did you tell them to take the tomatoes out of my sandwich?'</p><p>'Well, yeah, that's because you're allergic-HEY!'</p><p>'You do love me!' Shinji sobbed as he hugged Renji fiercely around the middle.</p><p>'That's because I don't want to take your sorry ass to a hospital! Now will you let go?!'</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Premise: Shinji is a kidnapper hired to hold Renji hostage.</strong>
</p><p>'So,' Renji mused, scooting forward on his bound hands and feet. 'If you're a kidnapper, does that make me a kidnappee?'</p><p>'Shut up.'</p><p>\\\</p><p>'So when you had to fill out a form and mention your employment,' Renji asked. 'Do you, like, write down "kidnapper"? What category would that fall under? Would you be a temporary employee? Or a part-timer?'</p><p>Shinji turned to Hiyori. 'Can I gag him now?'</p><p>\\\</p><p>'So do you have any hobbies? Like, what do you do in your spare time? Do you play an instrument? You look like you play an instrument.'</p><p>Shinji looked at Renji. The two stared at each other for a long time.</p><p>'Trombone.'</p><p>\\\</p><p>'What's the best advice you ever received when you started kidnapping?'</p><p>'Don't talk to your hostage.'</p><p>'Oh.' Renji looked at his bound feet then back up. 'You're not very good at following advice, are you?'</p><p>\\\</p><p>'Have you ever killed anyone?'</p><p>'Not yet.'</p><p>'That's not very encouraging…'</p><p>\\\</p><p>'If you could be anything else other than a kidnapper what would you be?'</p><p>Shinji tapped his gun against his leg, ignoring Renji.</p><p>'Fine, fine. You don't have to answer me. I'll just have to keep talking to entertain myself until you say-'</p><p>'A florist.'</p><p>'Wow, really? That's so-'</p><p>'Now shut up.'</p><p>\\\</p><p>'What's going on?'</p><p>'You're getting out. Your dad paid your ransom. Hiyori will escort you out.'</p><p>'Really? Well, damn I'm kinda sad to go. We had some good times in this room.'</p><p>'No, we didn't.'</p><p>'I know, right? Listen, I don't do this much since I don't have a lot of friends but do you wanna hang out sometime? I mean, it's pretty lonely for me-'</p><p>'No.' Shinji pushed Renji out of the room.</p><p>'Hey! Hear me out! Look, I understand what it's like to be lonely. I've been lonely my entire life. It's hard for me to make friends because everyone sees me as that rich kid who is full of himself. Truth is all I want is a friend I can have fun with. And I know you've been lonely because being a kidnapper means you can't have friends. But I think you're a great guy, Shinji. And…I want to be your friend. So what do you say?'</p><p>Shinji slammed the door in his face.</p><p>'Aw, come on!' Renji huffed. Then a note slid out from under the door. He picked it up.</p><p>'"We're kidnapping the Sanderwicci girl tomorrow. We'll be at the clock tower at midnight",' Renji read aloud. Then he grinned and fist-bumped the door. 'I knew you were my friend!'</p><p>Hiyori wrinkled her nose behind him. 'Shinji wasn't kidding when he said you were weird,' she muttered.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Brad</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here we go again</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>So this was a myth about a U2 concert but y'know, it wouldn't be a myth when it would come to these two</strong>
</p><p>Renji slow-clapped three times. 'Did you know,' he remarked. 'That every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies from starvation?'</p><p>Shinji looked up from his book. 'Then stop clapping, you idiot.'</p><hr/><p>'You know,' Renji wondered aloud. 'What if there is a parallel universe where we're all Grim Reapers and fight ghosts that have gone bad before they eat humans? And we all have super cool samurai swords that have special powers!'</p><p>'Ha!' Shinji snorted. 'Sure. And there's a website where people write gay fanfiction about us shagging each other 24/7.'</p><hr/><p>'If I could have an America name, what do you think it would be?' Shinji asked.</p><p>Renji paused while unloading the dishwasher. He thought hard. 'I guess you'd be a Nate. You look like a Nate. Classy but a bit of a lad.'</p><p>'Hm. I wouldn't mind that.'</p><p>'What about me?'</p><p>'Oh, you're a Brad. Like, an American frat boy, smashing beer cans against your forehead, Alpha Pi Let's Get Wasted Brad.'</p><p>'…something tells me you've been meaning to say that for a long time and couldn't figure out how until now.'</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>We now return to the adventures of Shinji the kidnapper and Renji the kidnappee</strong>
</p><p>'What're we doing?' Renji asked.</p><p>'I'm on a mission. YOU are ruining the mission so shut up,' Shinji muttered.</p><p>Silence.</p><p>'Sorry,' Renji whispered.</p><p>\\\</p><p>'Who is he?' Love asked, pointing at Renji. 'New recruit?'</p><p>'Oh, I'm not a kidnapper,' Renji said bashfully. 'I used to be a kidnappee.'</p><p>'A what?'</p><p>'A kidnappee. Y'know, I was kidnapped but now I'm free but I just hang around for fun.'</p><p>'O-kay?' Love looked at Shinji.</p><p>Shinji shrugged. 'I always wanted a dog when I was a kid.'</p><p>\\\</p><p>'What's that?'</p><p>'A gun.'</p><p>What about that one?'</p><p>'Another gun.'</p><p>'Hey, you don't have to simplify things for me. I know what a gun is. I wanna know more than that.' Renji pointed to a bazooka. 'What's that?'</p><p>'A bigger gun.'</p><p>\\\</p><p>'Can I have a gun?' Renji asked.</p><p>'No.'</p><p>'How come?'</p><p>'It's dangerous.'</p><p>'Aw! You're worried about me, huh?'</p><p>'No. You'll kill me.'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Victor and Yuri Did It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yuri on Ice is one of the best romantic animes of all time and NOBODY CAN CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE</p><p>I wrote this chapter in 2017 and it's amazing how time just flies and you forget you have responsibilities</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>'You're mad,' Renji muttered.</p><p>'Come on! Have some faith! Victor and Yuri did it!' Shinji coaxed. 'Now skate towards me!'</p><p>Renji sighed. He started forward across the rink, and picked up speed as he headed towards Shinji. Shinji jumped at him. 'Shin-!'</p><p>'OW!'</p><p>
  <em>CRASH!</em>
</p><p>'Why'd you push me?' Renji cried out.</p><p>'You poked my eye!'</p><p>'That's because you-owwwww!'</p><p>'What's wrong?'</p><p>'I can't move my-owwwiee!'</p><p>'Shit. I'll call an ambulance.'</p><p>'"Victor and Yuri did it", you said.'</p><p>'You still want that ambulance?'</p><p>'Bite me.'</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>If Shinji and Renji had a teenage daughter and if that teenage daughter was Nel</strong>
</p><p>'Okay, I'm going out! How do I look?'</p><p>Shinji took a sip of his tea and looked up from book. And spat all of it on Renji who was sitting opposite him. 'What the hell is that?!'</p><p>'Daddy! It's a dress!' Nel twirled around in the backless black number.</p><p>Shinji looked her up and down. 'Where's the rest of it?!'</p><p>'But Dad said I could buy it!'</p><p>'Oh, did he?' Shinji turned on Renji, who was wiping tea out of his eyes, and gave him a sickly sweet smile. 'You got anything to add, <em>dear</em>?'</p><p>Renji smiled weakly. 'More tea, honey?'</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Before Nel becomes said teenage daughter to Renji and Shinji</strong>
</p><p>'Don't forget to finish all your carrot sticks at snack time,' Shinji reminded, rewrapping the scarf around Nel's neck.</p><p>'And listen to your teacher,' Renji added, tucking her beanie over her ears. 'Oh! And…'</p><p>'Don't bite anyone,' Nel sighed. 'I'm five years old. I think I know better, Dad.'</p><p>'They grow up so fast,' Shinji said tearfully as they both waved to Nel. She waved back and joined the kids milling into the preschool.</p><p>'Yeah, I-oh my God…'</p><p>'What? What is it? Did we forget to give her the emergency mace spray?'</p><p>'No, look.'</p><p>'I don't…'</p><p>'That couple over there. The two gingers. They were whispering and pointing at us. I saw them doing that when we were saying bye to Nel. Can you believe it?'</p><p>'Renji, I don't follow...'</p><p>'Shinji, don't tell me you've never noticed how people stare at us when Nel is with us? You know, I'm not going to stand for it. Today is the day that I stand up for my rights.'</p><p>'I prefer you smiling nicely and getting back in the-Renji, get back here!'</p><p>'Excuse me,' Renji said stiffly. 'I couldn't help noticing that you were looking our way and I just wanted to set some things straight.'</p><p>'Oh, we were just-' the woman started.</p><p>'It is 2017, and it is perfectly acceptable for two men to love each other enough to raise a child together. So before you start spouting bullshit about how we are turning children gay, you should be ashamed of yourself for being so judgmental, and try to get to know a person before you decide who you think they should be.'</p><p>'I am so sorry,' Shinji blurted as he finally caught up. 'My husband sometimes believes he's the voice of reason. Excuse his delusions.'</p><p>The man raised an eyebrow. 'It's alright,' he replied coolly. 'My wife, Orihime, was just praising how you two are a such a sweet couple and raising such a beautiful girl. In fact, we were thinking of coming over to ask if we could arrange a playdate with our son.'</p><p>'Oh,' Renji said in a small voice. Shinji glared at him. '...Would you like to grab some coffee?'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Single as a Pringle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>'You know what I don't get?' Renji remarked. 'Why do people say "single as a Pringle"? Pringles are anything but single. If anything, they're cheating on each other 24/7! "Oh, Bob, I love you!" "I love you too, Betty! Well, hello there, good lookin'. Wanna make-out?'</p>
<p>'Renji, stop making the chips make-out or you really will be single as a Pringle,' Shinji groaned.</p>
<hr/>
<p>'Shinji! Look, I got a fit bit watch!' Renji exclaimed.</p>
<p>Shinji looked up from his book. 'Well, guess that explains why my wallet feels lighter,' he said dryly.</p>
<hr/>
<p>'You know, you're always reading a book when I come in and have something to say,' Renji remarked.</p>
<p>'One of us has to look smart,' Shinji explained.</p>
<p>'HEY!'</p>
<hr/>
<p>'What're you always reading anyways?' Renji asked.</p>
<p>'I dunno. I just grab a prop and roll with it.'</p>
<p>'What is it today?'</p>
<p>Shinji looked at the cover. '"The Art of Acting",' he read.</p>
<hr/>
<p>'If I could have a spirit animal celebrity, who would it be?' Shinji asked.</p>
<p>'Meryl Streep,' Renji said without missing a beat.</p>
<p>'Which character?'</p>
<p>'Miranda Priestly.'</p>
<p>'…I can live with that.'</p>
<hr/>
<p>'Do you sometimes feel like you have an inner black girl?' Shinji asked.</p>
<p>'Girrllll,' Renji drawls and snaps his fingers in a Z formation.</p>
<p>Shinji stared at him.</p>
<p>'Too much?'</p>
<p>'You're lucky I ask these questions in the privacy of our home.'</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>We now return to the adventures of Shinji and Renji pretending to be adult parents for teenage Nel</strong>
</p>
<p>'Nel, we're being serious,' Shinji said gravely. 'I can't believe you tried to sneak out to this party.'</p>
<p>'You're grounded for a week,' Renji added, frowning at their scantily clad daughter.</p>
<p>Nel threw her hands up in the air. 'Seriously?!' she complained. 'You both knew who I was going with to this party and still said no! Have you two ever partied before?!'</p>
<p>'No,' Shinji said coldly.</p>
<p>'Yeah,' Renji chuckled simultaneously. They looked at each other with raised eyebrows.</p>
<p>'Well, I certainly haven't,' Shinji sniffed. 'Your Dad may have been a party animal but I knew when to listen to my parents.'</p>
<p>'Excuse me?' Renji said incredulously. 'This is coming from the same guy who wanted to fill his parents' jacuzzi with vodka and then proceed to cannonball into it from a diving board made of Styrofoam and beer cans?'</p>
<p>'WHAT?!' Nel said, her eyes popping out.</p>
<p>'That was supposed to be between you and me, Renji!' Shinji hissed.</p>
<p>'Or she can ask Grandma Hirako why there's a giant crack in the jacuzzi from where you tried to throw the grand piano-!'</p>
<p>'Would you like me to tell her the time you played the Bohemian Rhapsody, on butt bongos, on Ichigo's 21st birthday party in front of his parents?'</p>
<p>'We agreed that never happened!'</p>
<p>'Can I pretend this never happened?' Nel groaned.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Eiffel Tower</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There’s a lot of sexual innuendos and parenting in this one.</p>
<p>Also I can’t believe I used “sex” and “parent” in the same sentence</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>‘Got you now!’ Shinji whooped as he shook his Wii controller faster. The game beeped as he crossed the finish line. ‘YES!’</p>
<p>‘DAMN IT!’ his daughter, Nel, groaned. ‘Rematch!’</p>
<p>‘Bring it!’</p>
<p>Renji walked in and stared at Shinji. ‘Oh, <em>now </em>your hand isn’t tired!’ he said sarcastically.</p>
<p>‘…’</p>
<p>‘I forfeit,’ Nel deadpanned, dropped the controller, and walked out of the room.</p><hr/>
<p>‘What’re you doing?’ Shinji says as he leans on his elbows on his beach towel.</p>
<p>‘I want to see what the hype is all about,’ Renji says as he sits in the sand with his slice of cake.</p>
<p>‘He <em>does</em> realize it’s an innuendo, right?’ Nel remarks.</p>
<p>‘Give him a minute, dear,’ Shinji sighs and flips his sunglasses back on. ‘Daddy can be slow sometimes.’</p><hr/>
<p>‘What’s the Eiffel Tower?’ Renji asks.</p>
<p>‘Well, if you paid attention in high school geography,’ Shinji sighs, ‘it’s a famous tower in Fra-’</p>
<p>‘No, no, like the position.’</p>
<p>‘The position for what? Yoga?’</p>
<p>‘No! The other type of yoga!’</p>
<p>‘Do I look like Google to you? I have no idea what you’re talking about!’</p>
<p>‘It’s a sex position,’ Nel says while sprawled on the floor and flipping through a magazine. She looks up to see both her dads staring at her. ‘What?’</p>
<p>Shinji and Renji look at each other.</p>
<p>‘I’ll Google the bastard’s address,’ Shinji utters.</p>
<p>‘I’ll get the gun,’ Renji says.</p><hr/>
<p>‘Daddy?’ Nel asks.</p>
<p>‘Yes, sweetheart?’ Shinji replies, poring over a newspaper.</p>
<p>‘How did you know that Dad was the one for you when you met him?’</p>
<p>‘Ah!’ Shinji puts the paper down, dreamy-eyed. ‘It was…surreal actually. I always knew that when I met the love of my life I’d hear violins in the background. And sure enough, when your Dad walked through the doors to our English lecture that day, albeit 30 minutes late, I heard the distinct symphony of violins. And that’s when I knew, that he was the one.’</p>
<p>Nel’s eyes widened. ‘Really?’</p>
<p>Renji looks up from his eggs and toast. ‘No. The violin club was practicing next door.’</p><hr/>
<p>‘Alright, I’m gonna hang with Nnoitra! See you guys later!’ Nel said. The front door slammed shut.</p>
<p>Shinji casually peered over his book. ‘She’s gone,’ he said calmly.</p>
<p>Renji looked up from his magazine. ‘Indeed.’</p>
<p>There was a moment of silence. Then, they quickly scrambled to the couch, ripping their shirts off and undoing their pants.</p>
<p>‘C’mon! Hurry up!’ Shinji urged, already down to his boxers. ‘We don’t have all afternoon!’</p>
<p>‘I’m…trying…!’ Renji grunted, struggling with his pants.</p>
<p>‘What the hell are you trying to do?!’</p>
<p>‘The zipper…it’s stuck!’</p>
<p>‘You’ve got to be kidding me…here, let me-!’</p>
<p>‘No! I got this! I don’t need you to baby me!’</p>
<p>‘Just come here, Renji, before I-!’</p>
<p>‘No! Don’t-SHIT!’</p>
<p>A slapping match ensued leading to both tumbling to the floor and wrestling for the zipper.</p>
<p>They froze as they noticed a pair of boots across the living room. They looked up.</p>
<p>‘I forgot my keys,’ Nel said slowly, eyebrows raised. She opened her mouth but quickly closed it. ‘You know what, let me know when you want me home.’</p>
<p>She left. Renji looked sheepishly at Shinji.</p>
<p>‘We still have the rest of the after-’</p>
<p>‘Oh, shut up.’</p><hr/>
<p>‘Damn it!’</p>
<p>Renji looked over at Shinji. The blonde was completely engrossed in his book.</p>
<p>Renji cleared his throat. ‘I said, “Damn it!”.’</p>
<p>‘I’m not doing this again,’ Shinji called out, eyes still glued to his book.</p>
<p>‘What do you mean?’</p>
<p>‘When I ask you what it is and it ends up being something stupid and I have to chuck my book at you.’</p>
<p>‘You don’t <em>have </em>to.’</p>
<p>‘It’s a matter of satisfaction.’</p>
<p>‘Well, I just realized that I didn’t put my keys in my <em>right </em>back pocket and-’</p>
<p>He ducked as “The Art of Relationships” went flying over his head.</p><hr/>
<p>‘Shinji, what’s the name of the guy?’</p>
<p>‘What guy?’</p>
<p>‘The really good-looking actor in that one movie.’</p>
<p>‘Wow, with that many clues, how can I not know…’</p>
<p>‘You know him! He’s smoking hot! He has red hair!’</p>
<p>‘Renji, I don’t know any good-looking redheads.’</p>
<p>‘You do! We do! He did that one epic movie with a ton of shirtless Roman dudes.’</p>
<p>‘Michael Fassbender?’</p>
<p>‘Who? Oh, forget it. We’ll never figure it out.’</p>
<p>Shinji rolled his eyes and went back to reading his e-Book. ‘Oh, speaking of, Chris Pine is going to star in the new Wonder Wom-’</p>
<p>‘CHRIS PINE! That’s the one!’</p>
<p>‘…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Merry Christmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Merry (social-distancing) Christmas</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>‘Too bad we can’t have a big Christmas party this year,’ Nel sighed, setting down a box of decorations.</p>
<p>‘Yeah, but we gotta abide by the pandemic rules right now,’ Renji remarked, struggling with the Christmas tree.</p>
<p>‘Which means no big get togethers,’ Shinji added, box in hand. ‘Are you done with the tree yet?’</p>
<p>‘I’m still bummed out,’ Nel said gloomily. ‘Your friends are so fun to be around.’</p>
<p>‘And this year they were all going to be here to attend,’ Shinji sighed wistfully.</p>
<p>Nel’s face lit up. ‘Even the hot one?’</p>
<p>‘Yeah,’ Renji and Shinji chuckled in unison.</p>
<p>They stopped.</p>
<p>‘Wait,’ they both said and glared at each other. ‘Who are <em>you</em> talking about!?’</p>
<p>‘I asked first!’ Shinji exclaimed.</p>
<p>‘No, I did!’ Renji shot back.</p>
<p>‘Nel, who’s he talking about?’ Shinji snapped.</p>
<p>‘Don’t drag our daughter into this! What? I can’t think our friends are good-looking?!’</p>
<p>‘I never said that! I’m just saying that how do I know you mean it as a compliment and not as a sexual fantasy?’</p>
<p>‘WHAT?!’</p>
<p>‘Okay, this has gone way too far! You guys need to-!’ Nel started.</p>
<p>‘I won’t say who it is until you do!’ Shinji yelled.</p>
<p>‘Fine! Why don’t we say it together!?’ Renji hollered back. ‘Three, two-!’</p>
<p>‘IT’S HISAGI’ Nel cried out. The couple went silent. ‘You both think it’s Hisagi-san! Now can we <em>please </em>go back to decorating, for the love of Christmas?!’</p>
<p>The two nodded meekly. Nel huffed and stomped away to grab some more boxes. Unbelievable, those two, honestly.</p>
<p>‘…y’know,’ Renji muttered. ‘We could always float the idea to Hisagi about a threesome…’</p>
<p>‘I knew it was a sexual fantasy.’ Shinji walked off.</p>
<p>‘Wait! C’mon, Shin, at least it’s also about you! Shin-SHIT! TREE COMING DOWN!’</p>
<hr/>
<p>‘What’s royalty free?’ Renji asked.</p>
<p>Shinji glanced at his boyfriend before returning to his book. ‘Us,’ he replied.</p>
<hr/>
<p>‘Oh my God!’ Nel squealed as she ran into the room. ‘You’ll never guess who’s coming to visit!?’</p>
<p>‘Oh no, don’t tell us. Leave something for the suspense,’ Shinji said in a bored voice, leafing through a newspaper.</p>
<p>‘Don’t be mean to our kid, Shinji,’ Renji scolded. ‘Who’s coming, Nel?’</p>
<p>‘Uncle Gin!’</p>
<p>‘…’</p>
<p>‘What’re you guys doing?!’</p>
<p>‘Trust me, Nel,’ Shinji panted as he hammered boards across the front door. ‘You’ll thank me later.’</p>
<hr/>
<p>‘Do you two hate Uncle Gin?’</p>
<p>‘“Hate” is a strong word…’ Renji said uneasily as he ran from room to room to draw the blinds. ‘We’re just not his biggest fans.’</p>
<p>‘Can you at least tell me why?!’</p>
<p>‘Well,’ Shinji remarked as he finally threw his hammer down. ‘Let’s just say that in the past, Uncle Gin has done some pretty diabolical things to us.’</p>
<p>‘Really? Like what?’ said a voice behind them.</p>
<p>Gin was standing in the doorway. The boards were still nailed to the door though. ‘You left your front door unlocked,’ he said cheerfully.</p>
<p>‘…DAMN IT!’</p>
<hr/>
<p>Renji walked out of the bathroom. He coughed and adjusted his belt. His ponytail was slightly skewed. He casually strolled to his table in the coffee shop and took a sip from his drink.</p>
<p>A few minutes later, Shinji walked out. His hair looked a little dishevelled and his shirt was untucked. He quickly fixed his button-up and smoothed his hair before sauntering to the same table. He carefully picked up the newspaper and leafed through it, totally absorbed in the content.</p>
<p>Nel stared at the two of them over the top of her coffee mug. ‘You know you guys aren’t very discreet,’ she deadpanned.</p>
<p>‘I have no idea what you’re talking about, Nel,’ Shinji replied without missing a beat.</p>
<hr/>
<p>‘I can’t believe Nel is valedictorian,’ Renji beamed as their daughter gave the farewell speech at graduation.</p>
<p>‘She’s going to be so successful. Calling it,’ Shinji remarked, eyes glued to their radiant little girl.</p>
<p>‘Yeah.’ They all got up to applaud for her. ‘We did a good job raising her.’</p>
<p>‘Yes, I did.’</p>
<p>Renji nodded. Then stopped. ‘What?’</p>
<hr/>
<p>‘Hey, where is Constantinople?’ Renji asked, bopping his head to “Istanbul (not Constantinople)” by They Might Be Giants.</p>
<p>‘You mean Istanbul,’ Shinji remarked.</p>
<p>‘What? No. I mean Constantinople.’</p>
<p>‘Which is now Istanbul.’</p>
<p>‘What?? Since when?!’</p>
<p>Shinji stared at him. ‘Since the 1930s…’</p>
<p>Renji stared back. Then he quickly pulled out his phone and Googled.</p>
<p>‘…WHAT???’</p>
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